Late Night Thoughts

You know the saying “nothing good happens after midnight”? I’ve found this to be particularly true lately. At least for me, nighttime can be one of the most dangerous parts of my day; the time where I seem to be the most susceptible to the enemy’s schemes… You know how it goes- you’re turning off the lights and yet your brain seems to turn the negativity on instead of letting you drift off to sleep...feeling a different kind of darkness than what simply turning off a light should bring. I’m talking about when your mind gathers up things you’d rather not think about and all the sudden decides to remind you of them as you’re trying to do the opposite and clear your mind. I’ve learned this is especially true for those that have anxiety; sleep just doesn’t come easy. Your mind races through all you have to get done the next day, all the worries from the current day resurface, doubts about your decisions and upcoming endeavors are all you can think about, and if you’re in the midst of a painful season, these feelings are intensified and seem even heavier than normal. Maybe for you nighttime doesn’t trigger this, but a certain song, photo, or place instead. What i’ve come to understand about this overwhelming feeling is that even though it doesn’t seem like it once you’re minutes deep in that darkness, you have a way out, and you even have a way to prevent it in the first place.

I truly believe there IS a way out of this darkness, that it’s not meant to last forever. I do think it’s therapeutic to occasionally let memories in and feel what your mind is bringing up, but I also believe that for everything there is a season (1). The darkness is not meant to last forever. There will still be moments of hurting, but eventually you can choose to come to terms with your circumstances and let hope in at the same time. As you will come to read, the night the Lord gave me this word was over four months ago yet I am just now posting it. I stopped writing this post because I didn’t feel ready to say that my own time of wrestling with something in my life was finished. I wasn’t “over it”, i’m not really sure I ever will be fully “over it”, and I was afraid to close the door to a hurt I knew I would still ache from in the future from time to time. Isn’t it interesting how we hold on to our pain sometimes- so used to living with the weight that we don’t even realize we can be free from it if we just drop it at the foot of the cross where it belongs? Why are we so prone to picking up what we’ve repeatedly given over to God?

I’ve since realized that while you may never have all your questions answered and you know there are battles ahead, you can still praise Him in the storm and declare victory right now. We can do this because we already know who ultimately wins! (2) As Pastor Levi Lusko says, “hurting with hope still hurts”, so stop striving for perfection in your grieving and understand that you can still miss him or her, you can still wish something would have turned out differently, you can still have those tough thoughts- but eventually it is up to you to recognize when it’s time to shut it off in that moment, change your perspective, and allow Jesus to take over your healing process in a new way, believing He is still good. I decided that although I know there are valleys ahead, I can put on the armor of God and prepare myself for those late night thoughts. (3) Don’t get me wrong, I fully support a good cry every now and then- sometimes you just have to let it out! But I also know you don’t have to stay enslaved to the darkness that can creep up on you.

Although deep down i’ve always known these things, in the middle of a tough season, it took a powerful “God moment” to remind me of this truth to turn off the darkness. One night, I turned off the light to go to bed and immediately felt a heaviness wash over me. My heart was starting to ache and my mind was flooded with painful memories I had since tried to repress. I was unprepared to stop it and in that moment I was overcome with hurt. Before I knew it I was so lost and hurting the only thing I could do was pray. I simply asked God to give me some purpose in the pain I was drowning in. I asked God to remind me He was still with me and show me the way out. It was a truly desperate request; there were tears rolling down my face and I felt like I had nothing left to ask...searching for any answer from God I could find- I looked at the date, March 13th or 3:13 and looked to see if there were any applicable Bible verses with this reference. In His incredible faithfulness God led me to Philippians 3:13-14, and my tears turned into happy ones as it read,

God was right there reminding me that those things from the past are there for a reason. Trust that God’s best for you is not in the past but in the future, as He is never finished with you and His plans for you are better than you could EVER imagine so you can confidently see the light in the darkness. (4)

I was completely blown away with the faithfulness God showed me that night- and since then, on the nights that I do ask for His help to get through without that overwhelming darkness, He has proven Himself faithful again and again. “Straining toward what is ahead and pressing on” means clothing yourself in truth when you start to feel that darkness creeping in to take you down. You will fall sometimes, none of us are perfect and life is full of both rock bottoms and mountain tops, but the victory is already yours! Claim it! Remember it when the enemy is trying to shove things in your face that make you believe you’re losing, simply remind him of his future. There is a time for everything, and now it’s time to turn off the darkness and walk in freedom.

Scripture References:

(1) “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens”-Ecclesiastes 3:1

(2) “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”-Galatians 5:1

(3) “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand” -Ephesians 6:12-13

(4) “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” -Ephesians 3:20